Monday, April 26, 2010

Doorbell

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

"seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person."

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man," Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!"

The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?"

The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed.

"I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you?"

Again, she agrees, and replies,"But how could you, without any arms and legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says,"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?!"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded
chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008
and continuing it in 2009 also.......

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for
FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc…..

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants
because they cause cancer...

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.


* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls
to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo...

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that
I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.


* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account.
A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times....
(Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my
account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or
Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also
obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh,
Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already
married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE :

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next
10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ..... But who knows.
So please forward.

Priests on Holiday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous
shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a
bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and
bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they
settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different coloured topless bikini,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as
we are?'

She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Friday, March 12, 2010

Car park at WalMart

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about
5 minutes and when I came out, there he was -
a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults
at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

Air Disaster

"Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery."

"Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night."

Blonde tale

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband na..ked on the bed, sweating
and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling,
her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten B!..tch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around na..ked scaring the kids!"