Doorbell

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

"seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person."

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man," Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!"

The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?"

The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed.

"I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you?"

Again, she agrees, and replies,"But how could you, without any arms and legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says,"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?!"

A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded
chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008
and continuing it in 2009 also.......

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for
FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc…..

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants
because they cause cancer...

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.


* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls
to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo...

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that
I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.


* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account.
A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times....
(Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my
account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or
Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also
obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh,
Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already
married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE :

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next
10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ..... But who knows.
So please forward.

Priests on Holiday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous
shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a
bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and
bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they
settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different coloured topless bikini,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as
we are?'

She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Car park at WalMart

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about
5 minutes and when I came out, there he was -
a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults
at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

Air Disaster

"Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery."

"Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night."

Blonde tale

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband na..ked on the bed, sweating
and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling,
her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten B!..tch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around na..ked scaring the kids!"

Living in 2008

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
　
　
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

What's in a name!

A man boards a Jet Airways flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his
seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Low
and behold, she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual
Sexologists Convention.'

He swallows hard.. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,
sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his
excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your
business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?'

'Well,' she explains,
'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in
fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas
actually it is the Bengali.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories
is the Sardar.'

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm
sorry,' she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even
know your name!'

'*Venkatraman!' the man says. 'Venkatraman Banerjee! But all my friends
call me Joginder Singh!'

Abortion in the ears

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection."


She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"


Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'
cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

A Perfect Solution

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!!

The Truth

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped off my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Superb...

1. Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food,
fogot laughter were called "Saints"

But now they are called.."IT professionals"

2. An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3. Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..Its just that, One loves too much,
and The other loves too many,

4. Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!

5. Philosophy of life
At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6. What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7. Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8. Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!

9. After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an opening for you..!
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10. A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee... ..... Leave them to us

Take a chill pill

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it..!!

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside. So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

6. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

7. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!

8. Only 01 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

9. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

10. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!

MEN

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you
can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: I) no mind ii) no business

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention
of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.