One day in Bihar

One day Laloo was travelling by his car. He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet came before the car.
The driver could'nt hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed
in the accident. At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta
hoon . Usko dhundke lav ".
At his words the driver went to the nearest village ANd came back after some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!!
Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye , aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Baat kya hai?"
At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident . Hearing it they were rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money." Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?"
The driver replied : "Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai.........."

:)

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Frustrations of a Married Man

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

Microsoft's new CEO

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Santa Singh an Indian (Punjabi) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Santa says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Santa turns to the other candidate and says 'Hor Phaphe ki haal chaal?.' The other candidate answers ' O Vadiya veere, tu Sunna'

Think B4 you flirt...

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Thumb rule

A guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.
When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go.
She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again.
When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

Avoid public opinion

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas. ... The bishop was buried the next day.
Moral of the story?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Dont be a football of other's opinion.

... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier.

Buffalo Theory

A herd of Buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest Buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weaker members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alchohol kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of Beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that is the reason why you always feel smarter after a few Beers.... CHEERS

Have a farty laugh!!!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"!! I nearly died!!!

The house at the bend

It seems like yesterday. It was a day like any other. Then the phone rang.
The next moment, the world came crashing down on her. Her only son and
daughter-in-law had succumbed to injuries in a fire at their favorite
theater. All that was left behind was their son, just two years old. Life
could be really cruel. That was ten years back.

She had left everything behind in the city and chose the confines of the
farmhouse in the country to grieve her irreparable loss. The house was old,
maybe even ancient. It belonged to her late husband. She never did
understand why no one in his family spent the holidays there. According to
her, it was perfect in every sense.

Desolate and yet quite near the main road. Many a villagers pass that way
while walking their kids to school or going to the post office. Strangely,
they quieten as they approach the house. She used to think she was
imagining it, but it was too obvious to ignore.

Not that she had any problem with it. The grief had left her with a longing
for solitude at all times. Except of course when she was around him, the
apple of her eyes, the sole reason of her existence - her grandson. He was
growing up fast. The teachers at school were happy with his progress but he
seemed to have a problem getting along with the other kids.

When asked about it, he would just say that they were mean to him and
teased him. He would say no more. Only when he came home in bruises too
frequently did she decide to interfere. She went to the village and spoke
to one or two ladies. Actually, she tried speaking. The moment she
approached a house, the doors would be shut and they would tell her to go
away giving a lame excuse.

Pitying her state, the local priest asked her to come with him.

"I don't understand..They refuse to even speak to me!"

"It's the house."

"What? What has the house got to do anything with it?"

"We believe that all is not well in the house. We keep hearing strange
noises emanating from there. The villagers suspect that some ghosts live
there."

And that was the day she stopped listening to Himesh Reshammiya songs.... :):)

The Fundas of Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and
started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would
now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even
further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so
little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would
now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you
can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!

A page from every 'Guy's Dairy

Everyone in their lives would have had crushes, and me too had my share
of crushes. But, it didn't take much time for each of them to turn to
crashes. None of my crushes took off, or probably they crashed even before they
took off !! Today, when I look back, I cant manage but to have a laugh.

My first crush was on Miss R. I was in my tenth then. We happened to
speak only once. It was when I had offered her a coke. She refused to
have it and the very next moment I gulped it down. I still cant forget
the dumbstruck look on her face. A few days later, she started going
around with one of my classmates. They used to go for wonderful evening
walks, Miss R, my classmate and her doggy. Unfortunately(fortunately for
me), the affair didn't last too long. On one such romantic walk of
theirs, my classmate was bitten by the doggy. He brought up the question
: Its me or the dog......she chose the dog !!! The news gave me sadistic
pleasure.

I was in a co-ed school for my 11th-12th. I got very friendly with Miss
N in my class. It appeared to me that...yes...she is the girl. One day,
Miss N came and sat next to me...close...really close.....my heart beats
shot up. She said.. I want to tell you something....but please maintain
it as a secret. I knew...this was it...yes....she went on...you
know...X(another classmate of mine) proposed me......and I too like
him...and I accepted. I am telling you coz you are like my
brother.......WHAT THE HECK ? As if the first news wasn't bad enough,
the second sounded suicidal. I looked at her with an artificial smile
and said....Congrats S..S..Sis !!!

The next crush didn't take much time to happen. It was Miss S who walked
in to class. I literally had my jaws hanging seeing her. We became good
friends...but I never fancied my chances...given the Miss N experience.
She was my Biology project partner....while she did the project...I
concentrated on her biology ! Just as the boards got over, and as I was
mustering enough courage to tell her, her dad got transferred. She
changed the city.

Next in engineering college, there was this hottie in my class.
Boy....she was a babe...Miss G. She used to stand opposite to me in the
chemistry lab.I prayed for some chemistry to happen between us.
But I guess, she was much smarter than I was. Miss G realised that
I used to mess up all my titration experiments coz I used to be
looking at her and not the lab apparatus. I called her out ALONE
on my b'day. She turned up with her whole bunch of friends.
The girls kept giggling and I looked for a place where I could go
and bang my head. I steered clear of her for the rest of my
engineering days.

Moving on from here, it was a major success story. This time round, it
took some time for things to crash....just a little longer..a bit more
than five years. Everything seemed like a fairy tale when the crash
factor took the better of me.

By this time, I was in my job and I decided to use the term "interest"
instead of crush. So , my interest grew in Miss L in office. I thought
she was a very pretty lady. Thankfully, the growth of my interest
stopped very soon, the moment I learnt that she was supposed to go on
leave the next week for her marriage. She was to marry her long time
boyfriend. Only one thought came to my mind....The good ones are always
taken !!!

Ha ha ha.....thankfully.....I have grown out of all these......no more
CRUSHES.....so no chances of CRASHES......
I live this way now.....hey...wait.....who is this girl???? !!!!!!!!!!!!

Surely this page fits my dairy!!!!

Haunted From The Grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Intelligence

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER

Sneezing Officer

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, I am the one who sneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Bless you."