बघ

ज़न्माला आला आहेसथोडं जगून बघ ,जीवनात दु:ख खूप आहे ,थोडं सोसून बघ !चिमुट्भर दु:खाने कोसळू नकोस ,दु:खाचे पहाड चडून बघ !यशाची चव चाखून बघ ,अपयश येत, निरखून बघ ,डाव मांडणं सोपं असतं ,थोडं खेळून बघ !घरटं बांधणं सोपं असतं ,थोडी मेहनत करुन बघ !जगणं कठीण असतं , मरणं सोपं असतं ,दोन्हीतल्या वेदना झेलून बघ !ज़ीणं - मरणं एक कोडं असतं ,जाता - जाता एवढं सोडवून बघ

HR Policy

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee. . .”

MUNNABHAI MBBS DICTIONARY

1) Antibody - Against everyone
2) Artery - The study of fine paintings
3) Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria
4) Bowel - Letters like a,e,i,o,u
5) Caesarian Section - A district in Rome
6) Cardiology - Advanced study of Poker playing
7) Cat Scan - Searching for lost kitty
8) Coma - Punctuation mark Yaar, Simple!
9) Cyst - A short for sister
10) Diagnosis - Person with slanted nose
11) Dilate - The late British Princess Diana
12) Enema - Not a friend
13) False Labor - Pretending to work
14) Genes - Blue denim
15) Hernia - She is close by
16) Hymen - Greeting to several males
17) Impotent - distinguished / well-known
18) Labor Pain - Hurt at work
19) Menopause - Men no wait
20) Microbes - Small dressing gowns
21) Obesity - City of Obe
22) Pacemaker - Winner of Nobel Peace Prize
23) Protein - in favor of teens
24) Pulse – Grain
25) Pus - Small cat
26) Red Blood Count – Dracula
27) Secretion – Hiding anything
28) Tablet - Small table
29) Urine - Opposite of you are out
30) Varicose - Very close

Software Engineer's Marriage Proposal

This is a revised version of shot from Sholay.
When Jay (Amitabh) goes to Mausi with the marriage Proposal
of Veeru (Dharamendra) with Basanti (Hema).

Amitabh : Mausi, ladka Software Co. main kaam karta hai..
Mausi : Hai ram.. Kaam karta hai software co. main...??

Amitabh : Aajkal to salary bhi mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary nahi milti thi..

Amitabh : Ab apraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi.....
Mausi : Hai hai ...To kya apraisal bhi nahi hoti uska..

Amitabh : Senior se ladai karne ke baad apraisal mein achhi rating to
nahin na milti hai mausi..
Mausi : To kya ladta bhi hai..

Amitabh : Ab der raat tak ghar jaane ko na mille to ho jaati hai
kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya der raat tak ghar bhi nahin jataa..

Amitabh : Ab engineers ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..
Mausi : To kya ladka engineer hai..
Mausi : Kaunse college se kiya..

Amitabh : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!
Amitabh : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???
Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le
par Software engineer se katai nahin karegi.....

Dont ask grandma silly questions

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment
to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

WC Confusion

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an

English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay

in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was

concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as

you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for

"Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about

the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he

knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the

letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a

"Wayside Chapel" (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a

beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their

minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles

from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees,

surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is

open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the

summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of

standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in

the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my

daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.

It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was

wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in

different angle.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been

almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make

a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just

in time. I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as

there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even

the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We

are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it

is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating

you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

Scientist ka dimag

Once all the scientists die and go to
heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......He is
supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in
front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens
his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton.. "

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not
Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared..... . since one Newton per
meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is
OUT.......!
 

Husband

Innocence at its best...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."
 

MBA Vs Engineer

A MBA and a BE go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and          
fell asleep.                                                          
                             
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. " look up            
at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of
stars."                                                              
                                                                     
"What does that tell you?"                                        
The MBA ponders for a minute.                                  
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are                  
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.            
                                                                     
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.                    
                                                                     
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.      
                                                                     
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and              
we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow.                                              
                                                                     
What does it tell you?"                                              
                                                                     
The  Engineer  is silent for a moment, then speaks.                        
                                                                     
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Secretary Post

A "Mallu" female ( from the heart of Kerala)
Went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY.
When the manager saw the Mallu's colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair,

His mind was screaming " NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu.
So he told her " If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance ."

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK ."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said : " I hear the phone
GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE's that?
WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ...........Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok?
Thankyou." The Manager fainted.......

Foul Mouths

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,
they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....
we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi' ."

Fastest thing in world

Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH
from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a
prestigious job. One common Question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy : It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so
fast it comes instantly in Your mind.

MIT guy : Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to
realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH : Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER : (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked)
"WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in
my bed and I got the
Worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

Software Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
 
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out
 with his monkey.
 
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are
only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?''
 
The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''
 
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?''
 
''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. A
ll the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper.
 
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around
 its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?''

The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant.''

Husband & Wife

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling
to admit they might be in error.  
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt,
"if you'll admit I'm right."  
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.  
"I'm wrong," she said.  
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"