One day in Bihar

One day Laloo was travelling by his car. He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet came before the car.
The driver could'nt hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed
in the accident. At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta
hoon . Usko dhundke lav ".
At his words the driver went to the nearest village ANd came back after some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!!
Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye , aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Baat kya hai?"
At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident . Hearing it they were rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money." Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?"
The driver replied : "Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai.........."

:)

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Frustrations of a Married Man

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

Microsoft's new CEO

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Santa Singh an Indian (Punjabi) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Santa says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Santa turns to the other candidate and says 'Hor Phaphe ki haal chaal?.' The other candidate answers ' O Vadiya veere, tu Sunna'

Think B4 you flirt...

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Thumb rule

A guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.
When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go.
She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again.
When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

Avoid public opinion

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas. ... The bishop was buried the next day.
Moral of the story?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Dont be a football of other's opinion.

... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier.

Buffalo Theory

A herd of Buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest Buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weaker members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alchohol kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of Beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that is the reason why you always feel smarter after a few Beers.... CHEERS

Have a farty laugh!!!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"!! I nearly died!!!

The house at the bend

It seems like yesterday. It was a day like any other. Then the phone rang.
The next moment, the world came crashing down on her. Her only son and
daughter-in-law had succumbed to injuries in a fire at their favorite
theater. All that was left behind was their son, just two years old. Life
could be really cruel. That was ten years back.

She had left everything behind in the city and chose the confines of the
farmhouse in the country to grieve her irreparable loss. The house was old,
maybe even ancient. It belonged to her late husband. She never did
understand why no one in his family spent the holidays there. According to
her, it was perfect in every sense.

Desolate and yet quite near the main road. Many a villagers pass that way
while walking their kids to school or going to the post office. Strangely,
they quieten as they approach the house. She used to think she was
imagining it, but it was too obvious to ignore.

Not that she had any problem with it. The grief had left her with a longing
for solitude at all times. Except of course when she was around him, the
apple of her eyes, the sole reason of her existence - her grandson. He was
growing up fast. The teachers at school were happy with his progress but he
seemed to have a problem getting along with the other kids.

When asked about it, he would just say that they were mean to him and
teased him. He would say no more. Only when he came home in bruises too
frequently did she decide to interfere. She went to the village and spoke
to one or two ladies. Actually, she tried speaking. The moment she
approached a house, the doors would be shut and they would tell her to go
away giving a lame excuse.

Pitying her state, the local priest asked her to come with him.

"I don't understand..They refuse to even speak to me!"

"It's the house."

"What? What has the house got to do anything with it?"

"We believe that all is not well in the house. We keep hearing strange
noises emanating from there. The villagers suspect that some ghosts live
there."

And that was the day she stopped listening to Himesh Reshammiya songs.... :):)

The Fundas of Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and
started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would
now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even
further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so
little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would
now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you
can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!

A page from every 'Guy's Dairy

Everyone in their lives would have had crushes, and me too had my share
of crushes. But, it didn't take much time for each of them to turn to
crashes. None of my crushes took off, or probably they crashed even before they
took off !! Today, when I look back, I cant manage but to have a laugh.

My first crush was on Miss R. I was in my tenth then. We happened to
speak only once. It was when I had offered her a coke. She refused to
have it and the very next moment I gulped it down. I still cant forget
the dumbstruck look on her face. A few days later, she started going
around with one of my classmates. They used to go for wonderful evening
walks, Miss R, my classmate and her doggy. Unfortunately(fortunately for
me), the affair didn't last too long. On one such romantic walk of
theirs, my classmate was bitten by the doggy. He brought up the question
: Its me or the dog......she chose the dog !!! The news gave me sadistic
pleasure.

I was in a co-ed school for my 11th-12th. I got very friendly with Miss
N in my class. It appeared to me that...yes...she is the girl. One day,
Miss N came and sat next to me...close...really close.....my heart beats
shot up. She said.. I want to tell you something....but please maintain
it as a secret. I knew...this was it...yes....she went on...you
know...X(another classmate of mine) proposed me......and I too like
him...and I accepted. I am telling you coz you are like my
brother.......WHAT THE HECK ? As if the first news wasn't bad enough,
the second sounded suicidal. I looked at her with an artificial smile
and said....Congrats S..S..Sis !!!

The next crush didn't take much time to happen. It was Miss S who walked
in to class. I literally had my jaws hanging seeing her. We became good
friends...but I never fancied my chances...given the Miss N experience.
She was my Biology project partner....while she did the project...I
concentrated on her biology ! Just as the boards got over, and as I was
mustering enough courage to tell her, her dad got transferred. She
changed the city.

Next in engineering college, there was this hottie in my class.
Boy....she was a babe...Miss G. She used to stand opposite to me in the
chemistry lab.I prayed for some chemistry to happen between us.
But I guess, she was much smarter than I was. Miss G realised that
I used to mess up all my titration experiments coz I used to be
looking at her and not the lab apparatus. I called her out ALONE
on my b'day. She turned up with her whole bunch of friends.
The girls kept giggling and I looked for a place where I could go
and bang my head. I steered clear of her for the rest of my
engineering days.

Moving on from here, it was a major success story. This time round, it
took some time for things to crash....just a little longer..a bit more
than five years. Everything seemed like a fairy tale when the crash
factor took the better of me.

By this time, I was in my job and I decided to use the term "interest"
instead of crush. So , my interest grew in Miss L in office. I thought
she was a very pretty lady. Thankfully, the growth of my interest
stopped very soon, the moment I learnt that she was supposed to go on
leave the next week for her marriage. She was to marry her long time
boyfriend. Only one thought came to my mind....The good ones are always
taken !!!

Ha ha ha.....thankfully.....I have grown out of all these......no more
CRUSHES.....so no chances of CRASHES......
I live this way now.....hey...wait.....who is this girl???? !!!!!!!!!!!!

Surely this page fits my dairy!!!!

Haunted From The Grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Intelligence

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER

Sneezing Officer

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, I am the one who sneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Bless you."

Doctor & patient

90-year-old man went to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Doctor : How are you feeling ?
Old Man : I am feeling better."I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to delivered a child.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story.

"I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.
But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

He was walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!
The lion drops dead in front of him."

Old Man : "That's impossible!. Someone else must have shot that lion."

Doctor : "Exactly... that's what I want to tell you."

Shero Shayari

Boss:
Arz kiya hai.........-.....

Office may Kaam hote hain...
Galtiyo ka sama hota hai....
Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas BOSS jabaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai.... (Wah)

Employee's reply...
Arz kiya hai.........-.....

Appraisal hote hain...
Disappointment ka sama hota hai...
Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas HUM jabaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to resignation se bayan hota hai.... (Wah wah ... wah wah ...wah wah)

Take me drunk - I am home...

Symptom: Cold & humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (and you are pouring the
drink on your feet).
Cure: Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward.

Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor facing upwards.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass against your ear.
Cure: Slowly lift the glass and place it on the table.

Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Symptom: Your family is giving you seriously funny looks.
Cause: You're in the wrong house with the wrong family.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

बघ

ज़न्माला आला आहेसथोडं जगून बघ ,जीवनात दु:ख खूप आहे ,थोडं सोसून बघ !चिमुट्भर दु:खाने कोसळू नकोस ,दु:खाचे पहाड चडून बघ !यशाची चव चाखून बघ ,अपयश येत, निरखून बघ ,डाव मांडणं सोपं असतं ,थोडं खेळून बघ !घरटं बांधणं सोपं असतं ,थोडी मेहनत करुन बघ !जगणं कठीण असतं , मरणं सोपं असतं ,दोन्हीतल्या वेदना झेलून बघ !ज़ीणं - मरणं एक कोडं असतं ,जाता - जाता एवढं सोडवून बघ

HR Policy

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee. . .”

MUNNABHAI MBBS DICTIONARY

1) Antibody - Against everyone
2) Artery - The study of fine paintings
3) Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria
4) Bowel - Letters like a,e,i,o,u
5) Caesarian Section - A district in Rome
6) Cardiology - Advanced study of Poker playing
7) Cat Scan - Searching for lost kitty
8) Coma - Punctuation mark Yaar, Simple!
9) Cyst - A short for sister
10) Diagnosis - Person with slanted nose
11) Dilate - The late British Princess Diana
12) Enema - Not a friend
13) False Labor - Pretending to work
14) Genes - Blue denim
15) Hernia - She is close by
16) Hymen - Greeting to several males
17) Impotent - distinguished / well-known
18) Labor Pain - Hurt at work
19) Menopause - Men no wait
20) Microbes - Small dressing gowns
21) Obesity - City of Obe
22) Pacemaker - Winner of Nobel Peace Prize
23) Protein - in favor of teens
24) Pulse – Grain
25) Pus - Small cat
26) Red Blood Count – Dracula
27) Secretion – Hiding anything
28) Tablet - Small table
29) Urine - Opposite of you are out
30) Varicose - Very close

Software Engineer's Marriage Proposal

This is a revised version of shot from Sholay.
When Jay (Amitabh) goes to Mausi with the marriage Proposal
of Veeru (Dharamendra) with Basanti (Hema).

Amitabh : Mausi, ladka Software Co. main kaam karta hai..
Mausi : Hai ram.. Kaam karta hai software co. main...??

Amitabh : Aajkal to salary bhi mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary nahi milti thi..

Amitabh : Ab apraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi.....
Mausi : Hai hai ...To kya apraisal bhi nahi hoti uska..

Amitabh : Senior se ladai karne ke baad apraisal mein achhi rating to
nahin na milti hai mausi..
Mausi : To kya ladta bhi hai..

Amitabh : Ab der raat tak ghar jaane ko na mille to ho jaati hai
kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya der raat tak ghar bhi nahin jataa..

Amitabh : Ab engineers ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..
Mausi : To kya ladka engineer hai..
Mausi : Kaunse college se kiya..

Amitabh : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!
Amitabh : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???
Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le
par Software engineer se katai nahin karegi.....

Dont ask grandma silly questions

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment
to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

WC Confusion

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an

English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay

in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was

concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as

you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for

"Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about

the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he

knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the

letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a

"Wayside Chapel" (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a

beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their

minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles

from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees,

surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is

open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the

summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of

standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in

the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my

daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.

It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was

wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in

different angle.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been

almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make

a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just

in time. I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as

there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even

the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We

are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it

is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating

you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

Scientist ka dimag

Once all the scientists die and go to
heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......He is
supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in
front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens
his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton.. "

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not
Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared..... . since one Newton per
meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is
OUT.......!
 

Husband

Innocence at its best...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."
 

MBA Vs Engineer

A MBA and a BE go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and          
fell asleep.                                                          
                             
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. " look up            
at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of
stars."                                                              
                                                                     
"What does that tell you?"                                        
The MBA ponders for a minute.                                  
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are                  
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.            
                                                                     
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.                    
                                                                     
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.      
                                                                     
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and              
we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow.                                              
                                                                     
What does it tell you?"                                              
                                                                     
The  Engineer  is silent for a moment, then speaks.                        
                                                                     
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Secretary Post

A "Mallu" female ( from the heart of Kerala)
Went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY.
When the manager saw the Mallu's colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair,

His mind was screaming " NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu.
So he told her " If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance ."

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK ."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said : " I hear the phone
GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE's that?
WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ...........Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok?
Thankyou." The Manager fainted.......

Foul Mouths

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,
they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....
we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi' ."

Fastest thing in world

Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH
from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a
prestigious job. One common Question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy : It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so
fast it comes instantly in Your mind.

MIT guy : Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to
realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH : Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER : (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked)
"WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in
my bed and I got the
Worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

Software Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
 
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out
 with his monkey.
 
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are
only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?''
 
The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''
 
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?''
 
''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. A
ll the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper.
 
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around
 its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?''

The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant.''

Husband & Wife

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling
to admit they might be in error.  
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt,
"if you'll admit I'm right."  
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.  
"I'm wrong," she said.  
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"  

आयुष्य खूप सुंदर आहे

आयुष्य खूप सुंदर आहे,
सोबत कुणी नसलं तरी,
एकट्यानेच ते फुलवत रहा,
वादळात सगळं वाहून गेल,
म्हणुन रडत बसू नका,
वेगळ अस काही, माझ्यात खास नाही असं म्हणून उदास होऊ नका
मृगाकडे कस्तुरी आहे,
फुलात गंध आहे,
सागराकडे अथांगता आहे,
माझ्याकडे काय आहे, असं म्हणून रडू नका,
अंधाराला जाळणरा एक सूर्य तुमच्यातही लपला आहे.
आव्हाहन करा त्या सूर्याला!!!!! मग उगवेल तो तुमच्या आयुष्यात नवीन क्षितिज घेऊन.
अंधारामय रात्र संपवून सोनेरी किरणांनी सजून
मग रोजच उगवेल एक नवी सकाळ,
उत्साह ध्येयाने भारुन म्हणून म्हणते.........
आयुष्य खूप सुंदर आहे,
सोबत कुणी नसल तरी
एकट्यानेच ते फुलवत रहा..

Haircut

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes tohim for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves
the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there......

A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with printouts of Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut. :-))

Team India

"ग्रहण' आणि "गुढी'
खऱ्याखुऱ्या खग्रास सूर्यग्रहणाच्या
दोन दिवस आधीच...
"टीम इंडिया'च्या "सूर्या'ला
ग्रहण लागलं...
बांगलादेशच्या चंद्रानं झाकोळून टाकलं...
आणि देशभर अंधार पसरला...
"पोर्ट ऑफ स्पेन'च्या मैदानाचं
चक्क "कुरुक्षेत्र' झालं...
"स्वकीयां'शी लढायचं कसं, म्हणून
आधुनिक पांडवांचं अवसान गळालं...
युद्ध सुरू व्हायच्या आधीच "महाभारत' घडलं...
आणि "कृष्ण'ही थिजला...
अतिरथी, महारथी सारेच कुचकामी ठरले....
"कागदावरचे वाघ' बिरुदाला सारेच जागले...
अपेक्षाभंगाच्या दुःखानं देशवासी पोळून निघाले...
आणि "शेजार' उजळून निघाला...
"टीम इंडिया'! सॉरी! नाही, आमचंच चुकलं...
चुकीच्या पाखरावरती मन आमचं जडलं...
तोंडचा घास काढून कुणी नेताना
आमच्या डोळ्यांनी पाहिलं...
आणि मनाचा डोळा उगा भरून आला...
"सूर्यग्रहण' हे, कधी तरी सुटेल...
अमावस्येची काजळी कधी तरी मिटेल...
विजयाची गुढी कधी तरी उंचावेल...
आणि... आजच गुढीपाडवा आला..!